I’ve been working two weeks now – it’s been a whirlwind to say the least. Getting up very early, still struggling with work appropriate attire and generally trying to adapt has zapped all my energy. I’ll be very honest and say that my body is not responding well to these sudden changes and I’m discouraged.
Having a “hidden” autoimmune disease is a curse for so many reasons – yes, I look fine and yes, my brain is functioning at 100% right now but the inside of me is dying from pain and pure exhaustion. As some of you know, my eyesight has deteriorated significantly during the past year; this decline in both near and far vision has made a much bigger negative impact working at a computer than I ever imagined. I need to find a solution and fast; last fall I learned I was not a good candidate for any eye surgery because I’m too young and ultimately if the surgery failed I could be blind. Not an option. Simply put, I’m overwhelmed by things I can’t control. Again.
Those words and the feeling of NOT BEING IN CONTROL. Honestly, I hate it – I’m a planner. I like lists, calendars, and check marks taking items of the list. But really, when are any of us in control? Never. Life doesn’t allow us to totally be in control – things happen and we learn to adjust or adapt or change courses. Lack of control doesn’t mean we stop planning or attempting to find the best outcome possible in any given situation. Lack of control doesn’t mean we give up and succumb to the forces pulling us down the vortex. Lack of control nudges us to seek help – reach out to God in prayer with a willingness to be led, reach out to our doctors we trust to take care of us, reach out to our family who knows us better than anyone and ask for help or just loving support, and reach out to our friends who have walked this road before us. Most of all we need to keep moving forward. We can’t give up.
To me this total lack of control and swirling vortex trying to pull me under pushes me towards FAITH. Faith in healing, faith in better days yet to come, faith that God won’t let me fail or fall, and faith that I am loved and protected by my Father in Heaven.
Right now I’m standing, well actually I’m leaning, in faith keeping an open mind and praying for deliverance from my struggles. I’m praying that my wonderful doctor has answers and can address some of the physical issues I’m facing. I have faith God will lead me in the right direction and ease my troubled mind.
I constantly am thanking God for Lance who is bearing 110% of the load right now around the house and is taking such good, kind and loving care of me even if he barely sees me each day while I adjust to life and am basically a zombie at home, and I thank my dear friends who listen and provide thoughtful advice as well as love. I’m grateful for my two precious dogs who rush to the door to cover me with kisses when I get home and then stay by my side for the rest of the night. Even in times of physical and personal trials I am SO BLESSED.
Faith is looking towards tomorrow with an open heart and mind. God is good – that is ONE thing I know without doubt.
Happy Mother’s Day mom – it’s been 8 years since I was able to celebrate with you on earth. Today I honor you and know you’re celebrating in Heaven with grandmother. I love you.